THE CHECK IN

My “life after dark” is at its lowest at the moment (it’s a bit sad). The other day I got home from work and I felt an immediate sense of relief just by putting on my pyjamas at 8pm.

A few days ago, I sent a message to a friend: just checking in! Hope you’re well. Three weeks ago he invited me to his house party and I really didn't feel up to going. And not just because I had been so sick the week before (so many people have been sick with a cold/covid/flu in the last month). There’s something about house parties that make me feel really queasy, especially if I’m going alone and meeting new people. I’m not sure where exactly I have built up this trauma. If I were truly a “glass-half-full” kind of guy I would be okay with going, knowing that since my friend invited me (and assuming I like my friend) it would be a nice experience meeting his other friends. It’s just somehow never been an easy way for me to connect with people. Maybe there’s just too much small talk, too many inside jokes, the inevitable “how do you know so-and-so?” It’s a rarity that I’ve ever left a house party feeling energized and inspired.

I’d much rather go to a party or rave with acquaintances. I feel I have more autonomy to part ways, go to different rooms when I feel like and reintegrate with the group at different occasions throughout the night. At a house party, I feel boxed in. There’s no room to be contemplative or be in a bad mood. I feel like I’m on display.

I also often feel like a weirdo. I just don’t think in a normative society my life trajectory is easily digestible. Especially, for people who don’t come from a migrant background. This sometimes happens in a European context. For example, my parents left their home country of the Philippines and made a life for themselves in Canada. I am first generation Filipino-Canadian. Because my parents were immigrants themselves, I never felt beholden to stay in Canada even though I see myself as a proud Canadian. Living in Amsterdam these last ten years, and traveling a little bit to other countries, I get the sense that there are other nations that don’t have the same desire to pick up and go live somewhere else. It’s just not on their radar in the same way. Maybe I’m just not built for certain social settings and small talk. Plus I’m not a big drinker - what else is a house party for?

Why write a Substack?

After my BA I guess I just wanted a way to keep writing alive in my life. I really fancied myself as a writer when I was in my late teens and early twenties and then one day I just thought, “well, there’s nothing left for me to write about because I haven’t accumulated any life experiences.” I just didn't have any interesting opinions worth writing about because I hadn’t lived. Honestly, I still wonder if I have any interesting opinions worth writing about. I just know that I like myself better when I’m writing than when I’m not.

I don’t want this Substack to replicate other artistic practices that I have where I just wait until everything is perfect before I send it out into the world. Yes it sucks to see all the mistakes I make in my syntax or spelling once it’s published. And lately there are days that I just don’t feel like writing at all. But if success lies in consistency then the goal of this Substack is to remain consistent. That’s pretty much it.

My “life after dark” is at its lowest at the moment (it’s a bit sad). The other day I got home from work and I felt an immediate sense of relief just by putting on my pyjamas at 8pm. I’ve succumbed to my doom scrolling, pumping my brain with Meidas Touch, I’ve Had It Podcast and anything related to Drag Race. The only thing getting me through my thesis is the thought of going to Festivals after each chapter.

I’m behind on White Lotus but the trio of women on a “girls trip” is killing me. Sadly, I know these women and I have been these women. Somehow it feels like a cautionary tale. I want two of my oldest friends to come to Amsterdam for World Pride in 2026 but I wonder now if I’m trying to force some kind of narrative and “build new memories.” Vogue recently wrote an article saying a trip with three people is “the kiss of death” so I may need to rethink my plan before bringing our unholy trinity together.

There seems to be more of an emphasis on the soundtrack this season which I do enjoy. I feel as though Cristobal Tapia de Veer is really in his element this season. His compositions seem to be doing a lot of the heavy lifting in terms of supporting the narrative and setting a mood (I ain’t mad at it). I got to see Tapia de Veer do a Q/A at Amsterdam Dance Event a few years ago and I remember enjoying how he spoke of his creative process. He really emphasized the organic, messiness of playing around with indigenous instruments and later crafting strange compositions by filtering them through different software. I remember he said he found it somewhat amusing to see his opening track being sung live because the vocals were not generated to be able to be performed in that capacity.

I don’t know where my energy has gone and I’m eager to find it again. Until then I intend to listen to my body.

Last night my friend responded to my text: I’m doing okay! Went to this party over the weekend. He sent me a few videos of a huge warehouse venue, hard techno blasting, as a sea of bodies bumped up against each other. Looking at his videos I sighed and sent him a heart emoji. But not before putting on my pjs.