BOTH/AND
Maybe this is an important moment, to be stuck in the discomfort of this liminal space. It’s not the first time I’ve felt like this, but that doesn't mean it gets any easier.
Lately I’ve been in a kind of state of cognitive dissonance. . Mentally and physically, I’m exhausted by conflicting ideas and emotions. There doesn’t seem to be much middle ground these days. I can’t seem to make rhyme or reason around it and maybe that’s the point
For example, my summer in Amsterdam. Sometimes I’m away during this period, spending time abroad visiting my extended family, but this year I happen to be spending my summer at home. For the most part, I’ve really enjoyed a proper summer in the city. The mood is more chill, and apart from the city centre being congested with tourists, it’s a lot quieter and contemplative. Yet my mind seems to be more cluttered than ever with anxieties, worries and to-do lists that I fail to accomplish. It’s not a great feeling. It’s sort of like witnessing the best summer weather but having the worst cold at the same time. You know you should be enjoying it while it’s here, but you physically can’t get out of bed.
Lack of energy, will, and funds, I don’t feel like I’m having much of a hot-boy summer. I haven’t been out much at all. My last outing to a club was kind of a dud and I can’t seem to justify spending money on going to any Festivals when they are so far out of my price range. Last weekend, the closest I got the the 30th Anniversary of Loveland was hearing the thumping techno from my apartment window.
And yet in the past few weeks, I’ve had friends come to visit, nice evening strolls and bike rides, naps in Vondelpark, and enjoyable dinners out. So, why do I still feel so depleted?
It’s hard to say. Perhaps I need to start a gratitude journal and really start writing down all the positive things that are happening around me. Maybe that will make a difference…
or maybe not. I mean, isn’t this the whole argument for dialectical philosophy? That life is a series of cool things that happen sprinkled with moments that bum you out? Here are some examples of what I mean:
Inviting my friends to a party during King’s Day because I’m excited to show them how much fun the Dutch have, except at the end of the night, one of the bikes gets stolen and we have to walk home from the club.
Sitting down with visiting friends at a charming café in Zaandam but it takes 45 minutes before a waiter acknowledges your existence (the café is quiet) and I start to think it may be because they know we’re tourists. I notice other people who came after us getting served ahead of us. One of my friends checks the Google reviews and we realize other guests have had the same experience we’re having: Don’t come to ________ . It took 30 min for the waiter to come greet us and we waited for over an hour for our food to arrive. Despite the unfriendly service I order my meal in Dutch and still leave a tip knowing that I’ll never go back there.
It’s a beautiful summer day outside except Mother Nature is on an emotional rollercoaster ride and every ten minutes dark clouds materialize and disappear constantly. At the end of the day I decide to take our friends out for ice cream when suddenly the weather dips and starts to hail for ten minutes. I stand there with my ice cream in hand, watching white pellets fall from the sky thinking, what the fuck?!
Writing in my journal on my balcony trying to organize your thoughts, except the seagull that lives on my roof continues to squawk and fly awfully close to my head. Later, I see my balcony is covered in bird shit.
Writing this all down it all seems quite petty and tone deaf. Like, the world is literally going to shit and I’m sad that my ice cream was ruined by bad weather. But this is precisely what I mean by being exhausted by this cognitive dissonance. It feels like I lack the emotional maturity to hold all the hard truths simultaneously in my head.
This is precisely how I feel about Instagram lately. It’s just too many paradoxical images and messaging competing for my attention. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel or react to a DJ’s political stance while s/he simultaneously promotes a boat party in Croatia, how Pride is both the most amazing event in Amsterdam but also we should boycott it and all its corporate sponsors, how we are living in the most amazing times and yet war ranges on around us and we must resist and rebel but also there’s a big sale happening at the thrift store this weekend.
Perhaps I’m just at a crossroads, a moment of unraveling. Maybe this is an important moment, to be stuck in the discomfort of this liminal space before a breakthrough occurs. Feelings like this tend to arise when something is about to shift. It’s not the first time I’ve felt like this, but that doesn't mean it gets any easier.
I need to stay vigilante and wary of what I consume. Comparison is the thief of joy and no life is ever what is curated on our grid or stories on Instagram. I’d like to believe I’m a generally a positive person, that I can be a source of light and lightness, but during this beautiful summer, I feel like I’ve been wading my way through the darkness.
I was listening to a podcast the other day about phone addiction and how our brain is hard-wired to want hits of Dopamine, Oxytocin, Serotonin, and Endorphins. The neuroscientist was explaining how social media platforms like Tik Tok and Instagram fill us with quick dopamine hits and throw our equilibrium out of whack. After offering some decent advice on curbing phone addiction and spending more time with oneself in nature, the neuroscientist ended the interview by asking the listeners to follow his instagram account.
Last thought: anyone else endlessly thinking about moving to Saskatchewan?