ALONE

It’s not always raves and festivals. The city was entering its emo phase and so was he.

He wanted to be excited but the body aches and the cold that developed three weeks ago somehow still had a grip on him. The thought of making an appointment to the huisarts did cross his mind but what’s the point? They would just tell him what he already knows, take a few paracetamols and drink plenty of fluids. Sleep it off. Call in sick. Feeling weak in his body made him homesick for Canada, where over the counter drugs like NyQuil and Neo Citron were easily in reach. Freddy didn’t want to be dramatic but he was starting to wonder if he was ever going to feel good again. It’s no fun feeling sick in Europe.

He mostly liked the dark. It’s the mysteriousness that envelopes the city when the sun goes down, how a street that once was familiar in the daylight suddenly becomes somehow sinister under a coating of black shadows. A dark night with a brisk breeze. It wasn’t cold enough for him to see his breath in the air but it was coming so he wore his puffy black winter coat anyway because he was now chilly all the time. And sick.

It’s not always raves and festivals. Freddy bought the concert ticket months ago, when the sun was warm and he actually felt good in his body. As he shuffled over to the metro he tried to embrace what he knew to be inevitable: the long dark months ahead where a grey tint mixed with dark hues of blue and black would permeate the urban landscape. The city was entering its emo phase and so was he.

Freddy was used to going to clubs alone so attending a concert by himself was not much different. There were advantages, namely that he was alone. He didn’t have to talk to anyone about making arrangements or coordinate schedules. The independence gave him a certain pride. He wasn’t going to wait for someone else to create moments in his life. He belonged to no one but himself. This was about self-love.

He stood at the back inside the arena, away from the throngs of young people who were packed at the front, eagerly waiting for the band to start. Once the lights dimmed, the crowd erupted and camera phones started to twinkled like fireflies throughout the space. Beams of white shone from above the stage as three figures in silhouette emerged from the darkness and started to play. So simple, Freddy thought, and pristine. They way the percussion kept a crisp steady rhythm and how the distortion of the melancholic bass guitar seemed to feel the space in a warm glow. The plucky melodies of the lead guitar were as delicate as the lead singer’s voice. There was something precious about the experience. Freddy let the sounds wash over him like a soothing balm. This is what Autumn sounds like.

****

He’s not sure why but it stuck in his head when Freddy mentioned that he was going to see them. Once Bas looked them up on Spotify their sound somehow became the soundtrack to his life for the next five days. The band had a kind of nostalgic feel to them. He’d put in his air pods and play it on low as he’d coast through the city, sometimes aimlessly just to hear the songs on repeat.

The concert was sold out but he bought two tickets on ticket swap. She had to meet him at the metro station because she was coming from  Rotterdam. He wasn’t much of a concert goer but he was impressed by how full the band sounded with such a simple set up of bass guitar, lead and drums. Somewhere there were synths and he wondered if it was someone playing live or if there was a backing track. When he wasn’t lost in the music he enjoyed watching all the young people furiously taking pictures and videos, editing and posting in quick succession as though it were their full time job.

Where was she? She was right there beside him but she felt so far away. It somehow felt clear to him that being there was not what she wanted to do. What was meant to be a moment between felt more like an obligation.

****

The lead singer’s voice found its way inside him and the tiny pit in the stomach grew into a chasm. Suddenly he hated what he was wearing. His felt raw in his skin. Looking around the sold-out arena, he allowed himself to feel the ache he so often denied. It was loneliness. It had found him. He wished he was at the concert with someone. Someone who understood him, someone who made him feel seen and safe. Freddy sensed that he was about to be swallowed whole by the darkness and he let the tears steam down his face. He couldn’t understand why he kept walking this earth on his own. He knew that the ache that he was feeling in his heart was an overflow of love with nowhere to go and no one to give it to. He looked around at all the groups of people with friends, the couples who held on to each other. I belong here, Freddy asserted to himself. I’m a good person and I belong here. He wiped away the tears. Breathe Freddy, he told himself, listen to the music and breathe.